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INTRODUCTION: A NOTE FROM ME

I want to speak to the part of you that has learned to prove, perform and persevere in order to feel worthy. I used to think struggle was the currency of value—that the more I endured, the more I earned a seat at the table of life. That belief shaped my mornings, my conversations, my relationships and the way I showed up for God, others and myself. As someone who has walked through the ache, I want to invite you into a different map.

As Christians, we often speak about ‘having faith’ or ‘just believing’—but how does one actually do that? When we begin to see that faith is not a vague feeling but rather a thought we rehearse until it becomes internalised, we realise that faith flows from within. It is rooted in our identity—shaped by what we believe about ourselves and about the world.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2).

To do this inner engineering we need the right tools; one such tool is NLP.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is a psychological approach that studies the connection between how we think (neuro), how we use language (linguistic), and the patterns of behaviour we create (programming), with the goal of reshaping thoughts, emotions, and actions to achieve desired outcomes.

This post is practical and tender. We’ll answer the hard questions you ask—about worth, about why you don’t feel good enough, about parents and patterns—and we’ll walk through an NLP-informed, identity-level method to shift from performance-based worth to an embodied, lived sense of intrinsic value.

ARE NEWBORNS WORTHY OF LOVE, CARE, SUSTENANCE AND PROTECTION? DO THEY HAVE TO EARN IT?

Short answer: No. Newborns are worthy of love, care, sustenance and protection simply by virtue of being. They arrive without deeds, resumes or performance histories. Their worth is not transactional.

Why this matters: If the first human mirrors we receive (parents, caregivers, a culture) model worth as conditional, we internalise a rule: “I must do X to be loved.”

That rule then becomes the lens for every relationship. Understanding that babies are inherently worthy is the corrective truth—simple, radical and stabilising—that dismantles the lie that love is an award.

WHY DO I NOT FEEL GOOD ENOUGH?

Not feeling good enough is rarely about a present factual reality; it’s a strategy learned early. Here are the core mechanisms:

1. Conditioning by attachment and mirroring. If a caregiver offered love when you performed, quietened you only when compliant, or withheld presence under stress, you learned that love equals performance.
2. Cognitive distortions and generalisations. One event becomes a rule: “Because Mum left the room once, I am unlovable.” The mind prefers rules; it generalises to keep you safe (even if the rule is false).
3. Identity-level statements. “I am not good enough” lives at a deeper level than thoughts; it becomes an identity that filters every experience through subconscious belief.
4. Reward and survival wiring. Performance brings approval, food, safety. Your nervous system learned to seek those rewards; it will repeat the behaviours that worked before even if they are not healthy.
5. Cultural and spiritual misreadings. Religious or cultural messages that emphasise merit without explaining grace can accidentally train us to earn rather than receive leaveing us feeling like rats in the rat-race.

When I don’t feel good enough, I’m not failing some moral test—I’m replaying a survival script that once helped me cope. The work is to identify the script, test it, and install a new operating system i nits place.

HOW DOES PARENTAL DYSFUNCTION FEED INTO THIS?

Parents are not infallible gods—they’re human beings with their own wounds. Dysfunctional parental behaviour creates templates we adopt unconsciously:

• Conditional regard. “I will love you if you succeed” even if only implied, teaches conditionality.
• Projection. A parent’s shame becomes the child’s identity: “You must be the problem.”
• Emotional unavailability. When needs aren’t mirrored, the child learns that asking is dangerous or futile.
• Enmeshment and role assignment. Children become caretakers, scapegoats or invisible—and take on those roles as identity anchors.
• Shaming discipline. Shame is internalised and becomes the voice that says “not enough,” and therefore “not worthy” of a better life experience.

Those templates are not destiny. They’re patterns with a structure. NLP is simply a label that provides us with tools to unpack the structure (representations, modalities, submodalities), change the internal map, and therefore change the emotional output that is directing our lives. Unless we make what is subconscious conscious, it will direct our lives and we will call it fate (Jung).

WHAT IS FALSE SELF-WORTH? A CLEAR DEFINITION

False self-worth = a constructed sense of value that is external, conditional and performance-based. It says:

• “I am worthy if I achieve X.”
• “I am loved if I behave Y.”
• “I only deserve care if I serve enough.”

False self-worth is transactional and scarcity-driven. It’s held together by evidence from a childhood economy of approval. It is not identity; it is a coping strategy masquerading as truth.

Contrast that with core worth (when you were a baby): a felt, embodied sense that I am inherently valuable—not because I perform, but because I exist, because I am made, because breath itself is a witness.

Core worth is not earned; it is recognised.

THE FICTIONAL PROBLEM: THE HARDEST PROBLEM IS ONE THAT DOESN’T EXIST

The hardest problem to solve is one that doesn’t exist, one that is a fiction.

False self-worth creates an invented problem—“I must earn love”—and then we spend lives solving it. Another way to formulate this statement is simply to say “I am not good enough for true love…yet,” but “yet” never arrives, it is an illusive fictional carrot dangling somewhere on the horison of the subconscious. This is a game that is unwinnable because the goalposts continue to move.

The irony is brutal: the problem is simply a story you have believed, the “solution-oriented” behaviours you’ve been using to fix this illusory problem like overwork, people-pleasing, spiritual performance, and once you recognise that they are unnecessary and misdirected you can discard them.

This technique of identifying and rewiring cognitive behaviours that stem from neuro-lingustic patterns hardwired into the circuitry of the brain, helps because it teaches you to inspect representations. When the problem is a story (we can point to it, name it, and change its internal mechanics), you can un-invent it. That’s the essence of identity shifting: stop treating a fiction as a fact.

AN NLP MODEL FOR IDENTITY SHIFT—A STEP-BY-STEP METHOD

Below is a practical, repeatable model to shift identity using NLP principles. Work through it slowly; repetition rewires.

1. Identify the Identity Sentence. Put it in present tense: “I am not good enough” or “I must earn love.” Rate the conviction 0–10.
2. Elicit the Representations. Bring the feeling up. What image comes first? What sound? What kinaesthetic sensation? (VAK). NLP uses VAK to uncover how you store experiences in your mind. By noticing which mode you use most, you can shift submodalities (e.g., brightness of an image, volume of a voice, intensity of a feeling) to change how you experience reality and beliefs. VAK is an NLP model that describes the three primary ways people represent and process information internally and externally:
   • V = Visual → seeing, images, colours, shapes, mental pictures.
   • A = Auditory → hearing, sounds, tones, words, inner dialogue.
   • K = Kinaesthetic → feeling, touch, movement, bodily sensations, emotions.
   • A visual person might say, “I see what you mean.”
   • An auditory person might say, “That sounds right to me.”
   • A kinaesthetic person might say, “I feel good about this.”
3. Probe Submodalities of VAK. For the image: size, colour, distance, brightness, sharpness, screen vs. movie, location in space. For sound: volume, pitch, tempo, direction. For sensation: temperature, pressure, location.
4. Find Evidence Memories. Ask: when did I first feel this? Gather 2–3 memories that support the identity. Then find evidence that contradicts it (times you were respected, loved, accepted).
5. Change Submodalities (Fast). Take the supporting image and:
   • Make it small, grey, distant, muffled.
   • Turn it into a postcard, then slide it into a drawer.
   • Contrast this by taking a positive image (someone holding you, receiving help) and make it big, warm, close, full colour, with a soundtrack.
6. Anchor the Positive State. While fully immersed in the positive resource state, create a discrete physical anchor (press thumb and middle finger, squeeze wrist, or step on a mark). Repeat three times to condition.
7. Pattern Interrupt. Whenever the old script shows up, use a rapid interruption (say “Stop!” aloud, clap, or change posture) then invoke the anchor.
8. Create an Identity Statement. Short, sensory, present tense: “I am a person who deserves care; I accept help with humility and gratitude.” Repeat it daily while anchored into the state.
9. Behavioural Experiments. Small, measurable acts that prove the new identity: ask someone for help this week; say “no” once; receive a compliment and say “thank you” without qualification.
10. Future Pacing. Imagine future scenes where you act from the new identity. Make them sensory-rich and anchor the feeling.
11. Ecology Check. Ensure the new identity aligns with your values and your understanding of the life God invites you to live. If there’s resistance, ask: “What would I lose by becoming this new me?” Then negotiate.

Yes, this exercise takes time. But investing that time to reauthor your inner programming and steer your life where you truly want it to go is far better than drifting through a life that no longer serves you. Either way, the time will pass—so choose wisely how you invest it.

SUBMODALITY EXERCISE (A QUICK PRACTICE YOU CAN DO NOW)

1. Close your eyes and bring to mind a recent moment you felt “not good enough, or deserving.” Note the VAK flow.
2. Reduce the visual: shrink the image to one inch. Make it black and white. Push it far away. Turn the sound into a distant hum.
3. Now call up a memory where you felt accepted. Make that image vivid: bright, full colour, warm, close. Add sound and a warm pressure in your chest.
4. Press thumb and forefinger together at the peak of the positive feeling (anchor).
5. Open your eyes and test the anchor later: press thumb and forefinger—the positive state should return.

DAILY SCRIPT AND IDENTITY SCRIPTS (USE THESE — SAY THEM ALOUD)

Morning anchor & script (2–3 minutes):

• Breathe slow: “I am a person who is loved because I exist. I give because I am full, not to be filled. I will ask for help when I need it. Today I will treat my needs as important.”

Evening journalling prompt:

• “Where did I act from scarcity today? Where did I show myself kindness? One small thing I did that proves my worth.”

Identity affirmations sequence (repeat morning & night, embodied and notice the logically progression):

• I LOVE HELPING PEOPLE TO LIVE THEIR BEST LIFE.
• I AM GOOD AT HELPING PEOPLE.
• I AM ALSO A PERSON.
• I ALSO DESERVE MY OWN HELP TO LIVE MY BEST LIFE.

Notice the grammar: short strong present-tense statements anchored in identity. Say them with feeling.

PRACTICAL 30-DAY MICRO-COMMITMENT

Day 1–7: Ask for help once each day (small requests). Notice how people respond.
Day 8–14: Say “no” twice to requests that deplete you. Notice boundaries.
Day 15–21: Do one act of radical self-kindness daily (paid, restful, or creative).
Day 22–28: Share your story with one person, asking only to be heard.
Day 29–30: Reflect and plan how the new behaviours become habits.

Small wins are evidence. Evidence updates belief.

TWO-COLUMN SYSTEM: SCOPE AND CATEGORIES

Scopes and categories describe the way we store information in the mind — the pictures, sounds, sensations, meanings and rules we unconsciously assign to our experiences. Over time, these stored patterns are not just memories; they become the architecture of how we live, the lenses through which we see the world, and eventually the scaffolding of our identity.

In other words, the inner filing system of scope and category silently scripts the life we believe is ours to live.

SCOPE (what to examine)	CATEGORIES (how to classify experience)
Representations — The internal pictures, sounds, words and feelings you use to describe events.	Evaluations — The value judgements you make (good/bad, safe/dangerous). These colour experiences and drive behaviour.
VAK (Visual/Auditory/Kinaesthetic) — The primary sensory channels through which you experience memories and predictions.	Generalisation — How a single event is turned into a broad rule (e.g., “I failed once → I always fail”).
Modalities structure — How multiple representations are organised (e.g., visual scene with accompanying voice and chest tightness).	Beliefs — Deep rules and assumptions that arise from repeated evaluations and generalisations (e.g., “I must earn love”).
Submodalities — The fine-grained qualities of representations (brightness, size, distance, pitch, tempo, texture, temperature).	Categorise feelings / emotions — Map specific feelings (shame, anger, sadness, love, gratitude, fear) to their triggers and useful actions (e.g., shame → self-protection; gratitude → broadened perspective).

Use this table as a map: the left column is where you look; the right column is how you name the patterns you find.

COMMON OBJECTIONS AND HOW TO HANDLE THEM

• “But if I stop proving myself, I’ll be lazy.” Clarify intention: identity shift is not permission to avoid growth—it’s permission to grow from sufficiency, not lack.
• “Won’t people take advantage of me?” Boundaries and generosity are not opposites. You can be generous from abundance and also maintain non-negotiables.
• “What if I’ve tried and it doesn’t stick?” Repetition rewires. The brain needs repeated new experiences (with feeling) to update identity. Micro-experiments accumulate evidence.

WHEN WILL I BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE BEST LIFE (GOD) HAS TO OFFER?

This question is at the heart of the false belief. The spiritual correction is short and devastatingly freeing: you are welcome now. Theologically, many traditions teach that grace is present before merit. Practically, you will experience the life you describe more readily when you stop gating it behind achievement. The work is to practise receiving: receive a compliment without qualifying it; receive help without over-explaining; receive rest; receive love.

When you act as though you are already welcome in life—not arrogant, but receptive—you begin to live into the possibility.

PRACTICAL CHECKLIST (USE THIS WEEKLY)

• Rate the “not good enough” belief (0–10) each Sunday.
• Record three pieces of evidence that contradict the belief.
• Do the submodalities exercise three times per week.
• Use your anchor twice per day.
• Ask for help at least twice per week.
• Practice saying “thank you” and receiving it, without qualification, daily.

CLOSING: A KIND INVITATION

If you’ve lived by struggle (emotional, physical, spiritual, mental etc.) as proof, there is grief in laying it down. Grief is okay—you are grieving a strategy that kept you alive. But beyond the grief is the surprise: you are still here, and you can be kinder to yourself from now on.

Identity work is not a quick fix; it’s a rewiring (cf. Romans 12:2). Use the tools here—VAK noticing, submodalities shifts, anchoring, behavioral experiments, and the identity statements, and be patient with the nervous system. Evidence will accumulate. You will see the fiction for what it is.

And more importantly, you will learn to solve the problems that are real and stop exhausting yourself on the ones that are not.

PRAYER (A DEVOTIONAL, TENDER PRAYER)

Lord, help me to receive what I have not earned. Teach my hands to rest as you hold me. Unravel the old rule that says I must prove my worth by pain. Give me eyes to see the times I am already loved, and the courage to accept help with thanksgiving. Meet the child inside who seeks approval and sit with them long enough that they remember home. Amen.

FIVE REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1. What is the earliest memory I have of needing to prove myself to get love or safety?
2. When did I first say “I am not good enough” to myself, and what did that belief gain for me?
3. Which sensory representation (image, sound, feeling) most strongly holds my “not enough” belief? Can I change one submodality right now?
4. What is one small behavioural experiment I can run this week to disconfirm the old story? (Be specific.)
5. If I already had the life I say I want, what would be different about how I treat my own needs?